


don't sing if you want to live long

by silverfoxflower



Category: The Witcher (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Crack, F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26470456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverfoxflower/pseuds/silverfoxflower
Summary: Geralt shifts uncomfortably on the chair as the camera focuses on him. “A Witcher,” he says. A muffled voice off camera asks him to repeat the question and he frowns. “I didn’t ask a question, you did.”--“What was I before I became a vampire? A Witcher,” Geralt says. There is a beat of silence and his eyes flicker off-camera. “What is a Witcher?” He repeats slowly, “I killed monsters for coin.”(a What We Do in the Shadows AU where Yennefer, Triss and Geralt are vampire roommates being followed by a documentary crew and Jaskier is an unwitting pizza delivery boy who keeps getting called to the spooky house on the hill.)
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Triss Merigold/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Comments: 118
Kudos: 588
Collections: Jump Scare 2020





	don't sing if you want to live long

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Corina (CorinaLannister)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CorinaLannister/gifts).



> I really really hope you like this Corina! I was thinking vampire AU and this is the idea that would not leave me. Hopefully you're familiar with What We Do In the Shadows, would super recommend it if you haven't seen it yet!

Yennefer twitches aside the curtain, peering outside. “Look at them,” she says, indicating to the people below scurrying through the streets of Novigrad, heads down to avoid the rain. “Tragic little mice. They’ll spend their lives running in circles, thinking of nothing but their next meal, their next fuck, blissfuly ignorant of the predators that lurk in the shadows,” she glances up at the cameraman,” No offense.” 

The camera pans to Triss, who is sitting in an armchair just off-screen. “She was like this before she became a vampire,” Triss says dryly. 

\--

“Just because we’re vampires doesn’t mean that we will eat just _anything_ ,” Yennefer says. She points out the window, “See that man? Too short. That lady, too angry. We don’t eat angry before bed, it upsets the stomach.” She grimaces as a young man climbs out of his car wearing neon green bike shorts. “ _Definitely_ not him. Bad taste might be contagious.” Yennefer turns away from the window as the man walks up to the door with a pizza box. “Geralt! Your delivery is here!”

\--

“You see, in the time we come from, vampires had it pretty rough. You have to go out, stalk someone through the streets, find somewhere to hide the body … ” Yennefer speaks as the camera follows Geralt walking to the front door. “But now when we feel lazy we can just order in. Imagine, all you do is make a call and they come right to your door, without any weapons or anything! Technology is truly amazing.” 

Geralt pauses before he opens the door, pulling at the bottom of his tunic. He frowns when he sees the camera watching him. 

“You call and you say, hey, I want a delivery person please. Nice eyes, very tall, and preferably a virgin. Oh what do I want for food? Whatever … first thing on the menu.” 

Geralt opens the door to the delivery man. Alongside his loud bike shorts, he is wearing a fringed leather jacket and a tank top that reads _I do bardcore porn_ with a picture of a lute. He grins widely when he sees Geralt.

“Of course,” Yennefer continues, “You cannot order from the same place too often, otherwise they begin to suspect. One delivery boy missing? Ah, maybe it was the wolves or something. Five delivery boys missing, always after delivering to the big creepy house on the hill? Looks bad.” 

“... sort of in this band?” the delivery man fumbles a flyer out of his back pocket, smoothing it on top of the pizza box before handing it over. “We’re doing a gig at The Butcher Shop next Saturday, if you think you’d be free … if you like music …” 

“You’re playing music at a butcher shop?” Geralt asks. 

“No, _The_ Butcher Shop? It’s a bar on Blaviken Street,” the delivery man shuffles his feet nervously as Geralt looks down at the flyer. “We’re kind of new so just trying to get the word out. So yeah, if you have any friends who like music, bring them along.” 

“Sure,” Geralt says.

“Oh,” the delivery man is surprised. “Um, okay! See … you there then!” He steps back and almost falls off the step, “And thanks for the tip!” The camera zooms into the handful of antique gold coins the delivery boy has clenched in his fist. 

Geralt watches the delivery boy leave, then closes the door. He takes the flyer off the pizza box before throwing the box in the direction of the garbage, which holds a mound of boxes from the same pizza parlor. 

Walking to the kitchen fridge, Geralt pulls off a purple horse magnet and uses it to affix the flyer to the front of the fridge. The camera zooms into the bottom of the flyer, and shows, scrawled in pen, _Jaskier Pankranz_ and a phone number. 

\--

Yennefer crosses her arms over her chest as she turns to face the camera man. Behind her, through the window, Jaskier is walking to his car. “Oh?” She says, “How many times this one? I don’t know, you humans all sort of look the same to me.” 

Triss looks up at the camera, and mouths _always like this_. 

“Geralt likes this delivery boy though,” Yennefer grimaces. “I cannot begin to understand, but _I’m_ going to bite him soon if Geralt doesn’t ... can’t stand the kitchen always smelling like pepperoni.” 

\--

Geralt shifts uncomfortably on the chair as the camera focuses on him. “A Witcher,” he says. A muffled voice off camera asks him to repeat the question and he frowns. “I didn’t ask a question, you did.” 

\--

“What was I before I became a vampire? A Witcher,” Geralt says. There is a beat of silence and his eyes flicker off-camera. “What is a Witcher?” He repeats slowly, “I killed monsters for coin.” 

\--

“Geralt had the hardest time adapting to eating people,” Triss says as the camera follows Geralt down the hall. He pauses by a painting of a horse and stares at it with his hands clasped behind his back. “You know,” Triss continues, “Yennefer and I were always fairly morally ambiguous to begin with, but Geralt is actually a huge softie. ...oh yeah! Don’t let his appearance fool you. Or his words. Or actions.” Geralt continues down the hall and the camera zooms out to reveal that the wall is covered in paintings, all of the same, brown horse. “Anyway, for Geralt, living as a vampire required a lot of … adjustment.” 

Geralt walks into his study, and the camera pans over the wall of mounted, stuffed heads. All of them are unrecognizable animals - a giant spider-lizard, a bird with colorful scales, several small dragon-like creatures. He sits down at his desk, which has been haphazardly stacked with maps, opened books and scattered glass vials. 

“Monsters still exist, of course, like us,” Triss says, “But less. Enough that most people don’t know about them. Geralt still hunts. I think that’s his way of making up for .. you know, all the murder.” 

\--

“The worst part of being a vampire?” Geralt tilts his head, deep in thought. “I can’t wear my medallion anymore. Or touch my sword. Both silver.” 

\--

“At first we agreed to only eat bad people, like murderers, rapists, wife-beaters …” Triss says, smoothing her skirt over her knees. “But really bad people are hard to find, actually, and there’s always so much traffic getting out of the city ... We’ve had to relax our standards over the years.” 

\--

Triss and Yennefer are walking arm in arm down the street. They pass a convenience store where a mid-size sedan is parked crookedly across three parking spaces.

“My,” Yennefer says, “That is a shit parking job.” 

“Yes,” Triss replies, “But is it shit enough?” 

A young couple pushes out of the convenience store, arguing, the door swinging closed after them into the face of an older man. They get into the sedan and peel out of the parking lot.

Yennefer and Triss look at each other, then change into bats and follow. 

\--

“It’s not easy, having immortality,” Yennefer says. She is sitting at a vanity, putting a sharp corner to her eyeliner as she peers into the mirror. The camera turns to reveal the reflection of a pencil floating in midair. “You will see everyone you know and love die around you.” She reaches for a tube of lipstick. “I used to keep a list of everybody’s names, and cross them out one by one when they died. Morbid, perhaps, but how else will you know if you’re winning?” 

\--

“... yes, but can we come _inside_?” Yennefer demands.

“You can stay or you can go,” the bouncer says, frustrated. 

Triss groans and Geralt shakes his head. They are standing in front of a bar lively with music and noise and are extremely overdressed for it - Geralt wearing a dark doublet over his tunic and Yennefer and Triss both wearing fur-lined full-length velvet gowns. Behind the three of them, a growing crowd of people are waiting to enter.

“Oh hey,” Jaskier pops his head outside the door. Seeing Geralt, his face lights up. “You made it! Come in, we’re just setting up backstage but I have time to grab a beer ...” he trails off as Geralt, Yennefer and Triss hurriedly push past him.  
\--

“Uh … I guess I started delivering to Geralt’s house about three months ago?” Jaskier raises his voice to be heard above the din of the bar. He holds a can of PBR in his hand. “I remember the order because in the additional details section he had asked for “no garlic or religious symbols”, which was honestly not even the weirdest request I’ve ever gotten.” 

Jaskier glances over his shoulder at Geralt, who is sitting at a booth with Triss and Yennefer. All of them have brightly-colored margaritas in front of them, sitting untouched.

Jaskier leans closer to the camera, dropping his voice confidentially, “I gotta say, at first I wasn’t really into the whole … steampunk thing, but it’s really grown on me. He’s kind of built, you know? It suits him … like a mysterious, brooding romance novel hero.” 

The camera swings back to Geralt’s table. Triss blows the paper wrapper of a straw at him and Geralt closes his eyes as it hits him in the face.

\--

“Thank you!” onstage, Jaskier grins, slinging the guitar off of his shoulder and trading it for a lute, “This next song is inspired by a traumatic incident from my childhood, which I will now monetize for rent.” 

The camera swings to Geralt, Yennefer and Triss, and their half-melted margaritas.

“Why did you invite us here?” Yennefer asks, her eyes following a passing waitress with a low-cut top. “This music is terrible.” 

“I didn’t invite you,” Geralt says, “I left the house and you just started following me.” 

“Do you want to drain some drunk people and have sex in the filthy restroom?” Triss suggests sympathetically, putting a hand on Yennefer’s arm.

“Finally!,” Yennefer says, throwing up her hands, “These are the kinds of ideas I'm looking for, people!” 

\--

“Hey,” Jaskier says, walking up to the booth, where Geral is sitting alone. “Thanks for coming! How did you like the music?” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Geralt says. “I didn’t come for the music.”

“Oh,” Jaskier says, deflated. 

“Shit,” Geralt says, grabbing Jaskier’s arm as he turns away and waving a hand in front of his face. “Forget that last part.” 

Jaskier stiffens, his face blank, then turns back to Geralt. “Hey,” he says, smiling. “Thanks for coming! How did you like the music?” 

“I did,” Geralt says, glancing at the camera “I like ... music.” 

Jaskier laughs and slides into the seat opposite Geralt’s. “Good! It would be really embarrassing if we sucked.”

Geralt makes eye contact with the camera man and nods.

\--

Yennefer shoulders through the bar to the corner booth, grabbing Geralt’s shoulder as he leans into conversation with Jaskier. “I demand we go home,” Yennefer says loudly over the chatter of the crowd, “These people taste like shit beer and clove cigarettes.” 

“Oh,” Jaskier says, stiffening. 

“This is my roommate, Yennefer,” Geralt hurriedly says. He turns to her, muttering, “Go. I’ll follow along later.” 

“Right, of course,” Jaskier looks relieved, “With the housing prices these days, who can even afford to live alone? Not millennials, that’s for sure. Is that, um, what you are?… a millennial?” He turns to Yennefer, “Hi, I’m Jaskier. You’ve probably seen me before.” At her blank look he adds, “I’m ... I deliver for Posada Pizzeria?” 

“ _This_ is what we came here for?” Yennefer asks, looking disdainfully at Geralt, “he’s not even a virgin!” She whirls away and disappears into the crowd. 

“Did your roommate just slut-shame me?” Jaskier asks. 

\--

“Geralt,” Yennefer says airily, walking into the dining room with her gossamer robe floating behind her, “Tell your familiar to get us some more apple juice.” 

“He’s not my familiar, Yennefer,” Geralt says, looking uncomfortable. “You can’t order him around. He’s my- … we’re taking things slow.” 

“It’s been _months_ , Geralt,” Yennefer says, falling into a chair with a deep sigh. “I’ve seen glaciers move faster. Have you even told him that you’re a vampire?” 

“Not exactly the kind of thing that comes up in casual conversation,” Geralt mutters, glancing up at the camera. 

“Nonsense,” Yennefer says, “Just do what I did with Triss. I said, Triss, would you like eternal life and beauty, and she said, but I already have that I am a mage, and I said, yes, but now you will have to drink blood, avoid the sunlight and also garlic, and she said that’s terrible, I love garlic.” 

Geralt blinks and there is silence for a minute. “... and how did you convince her to turn into a vampire?”

“Hm,” Yennefer says, musing, “She must really love me.”

Geralt stands abruptly and stalks out of the room.

“Hey!” Yennefer twists in her chair, “Bring back apple juice!”

\--

“How are things going with Geralt?” Jaskier cocks his head. He’s standing under a streetlamp, his hands in the pockets of his blue Oxenfurt sweatshirt, a messenger bag slung over his shoulder. “Um … a little weird honestly. I don’t even know if we’re dating? Like, are we just friends, or is he just one of those born-again virgins that don’t kiss before marriage or something? Then again, we always meet at night, which you’d _think_ means I’m booty-called, but-” Jaskier stiffens, looking off-screen. “What the _fuck_ -” 

\--

The camera swings around to show a drunk man following a pair of women down the street, cat-calling them. Trailing behind him is a looming, shadowy figure. The women run into a gas station and the man is about to follow them when he is dragged away by the shadow.

Jaskier jogs towards the scene and the camera follows close behind, shaking as Jaskier rounds the corner of an alley to see Geralt hunched over the unconscious cat-caller. 

He turns when Jaskier says his name, his eyes flashing yellow and hissing when he sees the camera. His mouth is dripping with blood. 

\--

Jaskier and Geralt sit on opposite ends of a park bench, not looking at each other.

“So … do you think about drinking my blood?” Jaskier asks, sliding a look in Geralt’s direction.

“Yes,” Geralt says, his tone heavy, “ _Constantly_.” 

“Oh,” Jaskier replies, disturbed and aroused.

\--

Geralt and Jaskier part awkwardly, Jaskier going for a hug, which turns into a half-wave when Geralt takes a step back. Geralt awkwardly nods before stiffly walking away. Jaskier stands in place for a while before cursing and jogging across the street. The camera zooms in on Jaskier, as he pulls out his cell phone and talks into it, “Siri, can vampires do it with humans?” 

“I heard, _can umpires dude hit humans_ , is this correct?” 

“No,” Jaskier says, frustrated, “Can vampires _fuck_ -” 

\--

Triss smiles widely as she gestures for the cameras to follow her, descending down the steep, creaky steps of the basement. At the bottom of the steps, Triss flips on a switch and the room fills with low, fluorescent light, revealing tables full of mushrooms. 

“Before I became a vampire I did a lot of gardening,” Triss says, as she holds up a burlap bag dotted with primoidia sprouts. “That’s a little hard now with regular plants - instant death from sunlight and all. And I think growing mushrooms is a little poetic ... we’re both beings that thrive in the darkness.” Triss looks into space for a beat, then shakes her head. “I’m turning into Yen.” 

There is a muffled question from behind the camera.

“Do we eat them?” Triss looks up, “No, I sell them to the neighbor boy. In humans, these have hallucinogenic properties.” 

She stands, removing a tray of fully-developed mushrooms and nestling a newly-spawned tray in its place.

“But I do this because I love it, you know, it’s not about the money,” Triss put her hands on her hips, looking at her crops fondly, “I just think they’re neat.” 

\--

A loud banging sound comes from upstairs, and there is the sound of shouting. 

“Oh for f-” Triss grabs her skirt with both hands and runs upstairs. 

In the foyer, Yennefer is standing at the open door, looking out. The camera pushes past her to the street in front of the house, showing three men, all in denim, howling drunkenly towards an upstairs window. Angry noises are heard from neighboring houses and lights flick on.

“Geralt’s family,” Yennefer says, rolling her eyes at the camera. “They were not as fortunate as we were. They got bitten by _werewolves_.” 

“Eat my _entire ass_ Lambert!” Triss yells, then, in a normal tone, “Hello Eskel. Vesemir.” 

“Geralt can’t come play right now, he’s sulking,” Yennefer says. 

There is a muffled shout of protest from upstairs. 

“If you want, we could …” Eskel indicates to the stairway. 

“ _No_ ,” Triss and Yennefer answer simultaneously. 

“We’ll drag him down,” Triss says, turning around as Yennefer makes eye contact with the camera, pinching her nose and making a disgusted face. 

\--

The camera shows the view through an upstairs window. Geralt, walking with his shoulders slumped, is dragged along by his brothers. They climb inside their van, and the camera zooms in further to inside the van window, showing Geralt shifting into a white wolf. 

\--

“Vampires can take many forms,” Yennefer says, her fingers laced over her knee. “Bats, of course. Wolves, fog, … even a cloud of flies. Whatever gets the job done,” she looks up as the cameraman asks something, and shrugs. “Sometimes you don’t want to kill a person, you just want to annoy the shit out of them.” 

\--

The camera is fixed on the window of a campus library, where Jaskier is sitting, reading intently as he jiggles his leg. Occasionally, he pauses to scribble something in his notebook and highlight passages. The camera zooms in further to show the title of the book to be _Twilight_.

\--

Geralt is cleaning his collection of horse figurines with a dry paintbrush when the doorbell rings. He ignores it, putting down the paint brush and reaching for the compressed hair bottle. The doorbell rings again. 

“Geralt, get the _bloody door_!” Yennefer screams from upstairs and Geralt looks up with an angry hiss, putting the figurine down gently before walking towards the front door, which has a noticeable smear of blood on the inside.

He opens it to see Jaskier, in a black t-shirt with a scarf over his neck. 

“Hey,” Jaskier says, his eyes flicking to the camera nervously as he begins to unwind the scarf. Underneath, his shirt has a deep v-neck. “I thought about what you said ...” Jaskier cocks his head, showing off the column of his neck as Geralt’s nostrils flare. “Are you going to invite me in?” 

\--

“Is that blood?” Jaskier asks, as Geralt presses him against the wall. 

\--

Jaskier is sitting on the porch wearing Geralt’s tunic, his scarf and no pants as he talks into his cellphone. “Hey, yeah Valdo? Would you be free this weekend? I’m just putting together a little dinner party.” He catches the eye of the camera crew and winks. “No, no … very exclusive. Better not tell anyone. Also, completely unrelated ... you’re a virgin, right?”


End file.
